when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
