What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
