The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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