You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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