Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
