I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize