she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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