Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
