Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
