Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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