I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
