I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
