Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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