he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
