Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize