I think I won the penis lottery.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
