I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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