Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
