i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
