I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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