i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
