How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
