I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
