She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
