So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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