this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
