Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
