So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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