That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
