What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
