Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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