I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
