One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
