I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
