My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
