So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
