Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
