I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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