Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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