You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You made out with two different species that night
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
