Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
