I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
