i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
