twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
