Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
