the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
