"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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