I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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