This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
