"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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