I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
