dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
