I think i peed on brittanys purse
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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