I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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