My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
