Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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