Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
